Friday, October 12, 2007

I don't like using the word 'hate' about other people. I believe it's really bad karma. But you know, in some rare cases, that is the only way I can describe how I feel about a person. Today I've had a conversation with a person who made me feel like I'm trash, who put my character into question and pretty much called me a liar. And the person probably doesn't know what impact those words had. Our conversation was probably less than a bleep on the radar to that person.

I don't lie, I'm a nice person and certainly not trash. I know that. But I feel like something in me has broken. I don't know what or where, so I don't know how to mend it. I need to defend myself, but I can't. Not right now, anyway. I'm not good at confrontation; I can't keep calm, and end up sobbing like a baby. Is that lack of self control? I don't know. Maybe I'm overly sensitive?

This encounter has made me question a lot of things. Myself. Other people. And why I just don't seem to be able to deal with things like this. I think Tony has a hard time understanding my reaction - but I guess he's made of tougher stuff than me. Lucky him. He doesn't spend time blubbering and pondering the pointlessness of his current life. This is a part of me that I could do without. I think there has to be a change soon; today only underlines the exasperation I often feel, and I can't go on like this forever.

I don't know what change though. Maybe I have to change? Or my outer circumstances? Sometimes I think that I would be happier if we would to Denmark, but that's no guarantee; I just like to think that Denmark is much better than here. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Anyway, I can't even contemplate all the obstacles we'd had to deal with to move there. Regardless of unhappy I am right now. Or maybe because of it. I wouldn't demand that we make that move anyway. Uprooting is difficult and so it must be a joint decision. And in general life is ok here. Just not today. Today my spirit is broken.

I suppose I could have kept all this to myself, I prefer sending out a positive and happy vibe, but I am not always happy and positive. So why hide that side, even if it is hard to admit to not everything being rosy? Always keeping a happy façade can't be good? So now I'm telling the universe that today I'm not okay.

I'm sorry that this post is a bit of a downer, but hopefully I'll be back to my happy self again soon.

Labels: thinking